"RINGIN' ON OUR OWN BELLS"

"So what can we do? What can we do as friends and family members, or as parents, or siblings, etc.? What can we do to encourage the children and sleeping adults in our lives to open their eyes, wake up and realize the lies they've been living?" [J]

"There is none so blind as [s]he who will not see," so there is nothing one can do to wake up all the Rippa Van Winkles of our gender. We can effect change by bringing up in our conversations with others what other women are doing about our situation and especially why, using examples. Movies and T.V. are rife with incidents of gender stereotyping.

Many women are making personal changes in their lives and getting away from damaging societal programming. Some decide to take a non-traditional way and "go it alone" or partner, for economic and/or sexual reasons with another woman. However, most women still choose to enter the socially approved and traditional door of marriage, even though they may not want all the baggage marriage carries.

For all women who define themselves, the greatest challenge has to do with societies restrictions on her lifestyle and attitude. Here there may be pitfalls awaiting the unwary who fail to realize how strongly women are disciplined by our culture.

We cannot always see or understand the genesis of problems we may encounter, but a perfect illustration exists in a study of two television series -- both having the same producers. The subject matter, the time-lines, the scenery, many of the actors and costumes are the same. The only real difference is that one series features a superhero female with a female sidekick and the other a superhero male with a male sidekick.

Xena - Warrior Princess began around 6 years ago as a spin-of from Hercules. Despite the gender difference in the lead characters, the action and plots were similar. Lots of fighting with swords, knives, bow and arrows, fists and frying pans against impossible odds that always resulted in victory for the heroes. Yet from the beginning, the media and many viewers decided that Xena and her sidekick Gabrielle were lesbians. But Hercules and Iolaus were never considered to be gay.

Sequential episodes revealed that all four of these characters were unmarried and all four had heterosexual liaisons. In neither series were there any sexual scenes between the two same gender lead characters (but Xena and Herc got it on at least once!) Why then was Xena and Gabrielle's relationship considered so differently from Hercules and Iolaus? The producers declare that they did not intentionally infer a lesbian relationship, but when it appeared to be "approved of" by many of the fans, they did nothing to change the way the characters related to each other.

The differences in these shows were not between the two sets of characters but in the expectations of our culture -- males can bond, travel, camp out and fight the bad guys and have an occasional woman on the side. Females cannot bond, travel unguarded, rough it and fight the bad guys and have an occasional man on the side. That is a wrong lifestyle for women. In the words of the almost-universal excuse for excluding women -- "it's a guy thing."

Xena and Gab did not run weeping for help when the nasties showed up. They kicked butt. If any male tendered unwanted sexual attention toward them he would end up with a mouthful of knuckles. That is attitude. Women are penalized for showing unfeminine attitude (that is, any attitude that does not defer to males.)

Both of these T.V. couples stayed together and developed strength and trust, becoming in a real sense a member of each other's family. Individual women are doing the same thing today but as yet the necessary critical mass that makes this lifestyle acceptable has not developed.

Today, there are women who do not marry; and women who go it alone or become partners or sidekicks with significant others who may be male or female. However the majority of women still chose traditional marriage and is content to go through life as his "sidekick." She becomes Mrs. Him. Yet many married women are unhappy with the cultural edicts that govern them.

There are things one person can do when they find themselves wanting to marry but not wanting many of the consequences of marriage. First off, stay away from a church or religious wedding ceremony.

"Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from religious conviction."
            -- Blaire Pascal

~ Forget about maiden names. You already have a name -- use it.

~ Lobby to have everyone you know use just the letter M as a salutation for both a male and a female i.e. M/ Jane Row or M/ John Doe. Today we have many different nationalities around us and the gender is not always apparent from the first name. Not only would using M for both further equalize the genders, but also it would be a great help when replying to someone whose gender is not known. Do this yourself in all your business, professional and private mail.

~ Naming your children: girl children get their father's last name boy children get YOUR last name. That will effectively silence the dynasty craze that has prevailed for eons.

~ You may never find a church that fulfills your hopes and expectations but you don't need to. Your children will be spiritual to the extent that you are. You will set the example by your actions toward them and others. This influence on your children will extend to your circle of friends -- the company you keep.

And never, never forget:

"There isn't a single country or institution in the world where men and women enjoy equal opportunity. And even though we've been struggling for decades to achieve fundamental change, we have to admit that there's still a long way to go."
            -- Gro Harlem Brundtland, head of the World Health Organization.

twanda@gendergappers.org       

2001-011

Copyright 2001 Renee T. Louise and Ruth M. Sprague, Ph.D. These articles may be republished for noncommercial use only, provided that they are copied intact, and that this copyright notice is attached. Address all queries to: twanda@gendergappers.org.

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